Woe manly

it is here

and I cannot use
my mother tongue

for saying this

this cage of delusion
where nothing real happens
where I am tied to a corner
and look to the pictures
in a fantasy bliss

the rage comes crashing in
and I wake from
     the numbness
this here    is not
                      any
                          thing
                             at all
just perception
messing
up
my     errors
            of perception


it's me
my lone me
   lingering
      screaming silently
 in sighs
      hoping
not to
disturb the air
                   so much
    to make
mom angry


unsteady in borders
        marveling in all
         and nothing at all
starting
           again and again and          again
but there
         should be a bloom
by now        and instead      there
       there it is
a round glimpse

a small death for every plan
a short drama for every pain
a freak affaire to numbness

who knows
my goddess captive
as I learn to be broken
fe-male
in an upward state of nature